© & ® Varg Vikernes. Do not reproduce, respect the copyrights.
A Burzum Story: Part XV - Forever lost in a Fantasy
Of all the fascinations I have had in life I think my fascination for fantasy role-playing games has influenced and shaped me the most, and this fascination is also an important part of the foundation of Burzum. I first discovered MERP (Middle-earth Role Playing), when I was 12 years old, and after that other games too, and to say the least life took a turn for the better. My imagination was given a whole new world to operate in; it was organised and defined by clear rules and finally I could really spend time not only away from the gray, dull and dying society of Marxist Norway, but even in a world of fantasy! I already had (illegal, of course) rifles and ammunition, so I was ready for the WWIII I was hoping would change the world, and in the meanwhile I could escape into a wonderful fantasy. Save some time spent on the bus or (from age 14) driving my moped (often to the book store to get new RPG-related books) and also some time playing the guitars, I spent just about all my time preparing game sessions, playing or at least thinking about RPGs. Now, I did attend martial art classes a few times a week and went weekly to the rifle club/shooting range (not least to buy ammunition for my illegal rifles), but that was about it. That was my life, from about age 12 to age 16. I spent no time doing home work and the closer I got to 16 the less I attended school as well. I was actually a very successful student, but why would I bother with that when everything was going down the drain anyhow? Some school diplomas would do me little good when things started to heat up. My original German SS-steel helmet, my rifle and my (at the zenith) 3000 rounds of ammo on the other hand would be a much more valuable commodity for the future (...).
The problem was of course that those I played RPGs with did care about school, and around age 16 the last of them stopped playing. They became too busy to live life, and spent all their time studying for an opportunity to become debt-slaves for Jewish owned banks. For some years, age 16 to 20 I guess, I kept buying RPG-related books, and of course I longed for the days when we used to play as well. When I was 17 I got in touch with the now infamous metal scene in Bergen, but "of course" they were all with all due respect too bloody stupid to even fathom what an RPG was. I guess you need a three digit IQ to understand the basics of even the simplest of RPGs. They actually commonly referred to them as "Varg's power games", thinking they were all about controlling others and becoming powerful enough to rule the world. *sigh* Nor did they share my interest in military equipment. The only thing we actually had in common was an interest in music (yes, and of course girls...).
I can add, as a curiosity, that when I was arrested in 1993 the police used my RPG maps (of Middle earth and other fantasy realms) decorating the walls of my apartment, after talking to the sub-humans in the metal scene about my "power games", to argue that I was a megalomaniac who wanted to become the king or dictator of Norway. You see, I had used some old maps of Western Norway for a game session many years earlier, and had amongst other things drawn Sauron's flag on it, so... obviously I was a megalomaniac craving for power to enslave Norway under my will, and "my" obviously Satanic eye banner. Excellent. Good work detectives! If it hadn't been for the consequences this had for me personally and my image it would have been hilarious! This "evidence" was actually used in court to demonize me and influenced the outcome. The whole nation of Norway was in shock! And I was left with the megalomaniac nut-case card. (I still wait eagerly for a good opportunity to play that card....)
It should be noted that contributing to the megalomaniac rumour was also an encounter I had with the unemployment office in Bergen. Naturally I didn't want a job and pay taxes to that system for anything in the world, and wanted to be absolutely sure that I would not be employed by anyone (yes, not getting a [completely meaningless] "job" was the problem in Soviet Norway), so when asked what kind of job I wanted I said "dictator of Norway". He paused, in no way unveiled that he understood that I was joking and then calmly asked me if I had any other job wishes (you see, he had two blank spaces on his form under "job wishes" to fill out), whereupon I replied; "Naturally I would not turn down an offer for the job as world dictator either". (For some reason I never heard from them again...) Even the metal heads understood this as humour, but when I was arrested this was told to the police (apparently saying nothing to the police was never an option to these guys) who masterfully put the pieces together (the other pieces being my RPG-maps) and voilà, they had figured me out. I was definitely a megalomaniac nut-case, and should be treated accordingly (and as you might know, I have been too, ever since).
I wonder what is the truth behind all the other weird and illogical news pieces served to us on a daily basis. When my case is that absurd and so far from reality, why would the others be any different?
Now, well, sorry for digressing. I will return to the intended topic of this article.
What happened next was that I for some time was not allowed any RPGs in prison because they didn't allow any Satanic propaganda (...). When I argued that this was not at all "Satanic propaganda" they instead shifted to a ban on all Nazi propaganda (I guess any reference to different "races" makes any RPG utterly Nazi to any domesticated individual of the Homo norwegicus. The mere mention of the word "race" probably makes their feeling of guilt rise to sky level. "Rememba da Holocaust!"). So... no more Nazi power games for the megalomaniac Varg.
As if that wasn't enough my mother, who of course blamed my RPGs for being the cause of everything that had ever gone wrong in my life, ever, quickly found out that they took up too much space in their three story villa (and their other houses, apartments and office buildings apparently had no space for them either), so she threw them all away as garbage. Everything that had ever been released for MERP until 1993. All the D&D sets and tons of supplements. GURPS with tons of supplements. RuneQuest. HârnMaster. Twilight 2000. Rolemaster with tons of supplements, Conan RPG, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It was all gone forever. Almost every single penny I had gotten my sneaky hands on between age 12 and 20 had been spent on RPGs. They were my mental refuge, you can even say my life, and yet they were very easily cast aside like garbage by my own mother. But of course, being in prison I was too bogged down with other problems (mostly in the "Satanic propaganda" genre [alias absolute absurdities]) to be able to care that much about what went on outside. The real grief came later on, when I had more time to breathe and think, and as silly as it my sound, it is still there. It still troubles me. I really do miss my old RPGs and also playing fantasy role-playing games.
I finally started to fill the vacuum this left in my life around 2007 or 2008 (I think), when I was allowed to order a copy of D&D (3.5) (the only fantasy RPG I knew that was available in that book store) to the prison I was in, curious to see if the magic was still there. It wasn't really. Like when I was a kid I had problems finding D&D (or AD&D) very intriguing. The Armour Class system, Classes, Experience Levels, Hit Points, memorizing spells on a daily basis (just how many times do you have to memorize a spell before you know it by heart?) and so forth, just didn't make any sense. And they hadn't done anything with these illogical concepts and rules either. It was all still there.
Now, this is where I finally you might think get to the point; rather than long for and spend time mourning the loss of (I dare say) my joy in (at least my teenage) life, I figured that I should make my own fantasy RPG. All my old RPGs had flaws and downsides, even MERP, so why not make a game exactly as I would want it to be? Sure, others would still prefer other games, and that is fine, but I would like to be able to play or at least read the rules of (I am after all a sorry bastard with no friends) a game with all the features that I enjoyed and also missed in my old RPGs. So I started and spent all the time I was supposed to study in prison (...) working on my RPG, and I have been doing so on and off ever since. Now, I do make music, and because of that make a living, but for some extra joy in life, or perhaps just out of nostalgia and longing, I have my role-playing game, as a hobby, if you like. If all go according to plan I will start to publish small films, articles or monologues in this context online, to promote the game. It is not yet complete or game tested, and for all I know it might take ages for it to be, but bear with me I mainly do this out of passion, a strong love for fantasy role playing games and fantasy in general. Pay no attention to my game if you don't want you. But at least now you know why I do. Fantasy RPGs are as much a part of me as Burzum ever was, and in a sense they are two sides of the same coin. When the chaos comes the chaos comes, but until then I will enjoy my music and my RPG.
When it is all done, if this happens soon enough, I will publish the game. Now, as you might know I am not a Jew, who walks around with my hands in my own pockets only when it is freezing, so I plan to make a complete game and include everything you need (save dice, pencil and scraps of paper) in one single book. In other words I have no plans to make a ton of expensive supplements with information that should have been in the core rule book in the first place. However, this also means there is a lot of work behind this game, and a lot of work still to be carried out to complete it.
Now, I can add that I do not even want to make a computer game, for many reasons, but also because when the electric lights die out in our world, and all computers go silent, we can still read an RPG book and play the game, during the day but also during the night under the light of a candle, an oil lamp or a fire. Dice need no electricity to work. Nor do we.
Thank you for your time.
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
("If you want peace, prepare for war.")